An Australian rancher took his fourteen year old son to a brothel to introduce him to manhood. Junior made his selection, and quickly followed her upstairs. When they reached the room, the prostitute began to disrobe. Junior took the bed and tipped it over on it's side, and leaned it against the wall. The prostitute looked a little puzzled, but said nothing. Junior then took the night table, and threw it out the window. The prostitute began to look worried. Junior grabbed the chairs, and quickly sent them after the night table; with this he began to strip. The prostitute seemed concerned. "Say mate," she said. "Have you ever done this before?" "No," said Junior, as he pulled off his jeans. "But I figure if it's anything like f***ing Kangaroos, we'll need all the room we can get."

Here is a moral question for you. It is an imaginary situation, but it's fun to decide what you would do. The situation: You are in the Midwest, it is a cloudy rainy day and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed. You are a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. Suddenly, you stumble across a Marine helicopter crash. It's Bill Clinton's and he's struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you have the choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a President. Question: What shutter speed would you use?

Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital. "Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "what are the chances he's going to make it?" "It's tough," said the doctor. "He'd have a better chance if you hadn't gutted & tagged him first."

There were three dogs sitting at the pound and each had an interesting story about why they were there and what they thought would happen to them. Pit-Bull: The family next door had a nine month old baby and it was always crying - crying so much it was driving its parents crazy, driving my owner crazy, driving ME crazy - everyone! So, one day, they left the back door open and I sneaked in and bit it's arm off. I heard later that it died on the way to the hospital. "So," asked the the Doberman, "what do you think will happen to you?" "I guess I'll get the gas chamber," replied the pit-bull. Doberman: The damned postman always sprays me with mace. It makes my eyes water like crazy, makes me sneeze and I can't sleep all afternoon. One day, another postman came to the house, but he didn't know I was there, and i thought he was the other postman, so I chewed his leg off. Apparently he died the next day at the hospital. "So," asked the great Dane, "what do you think will happen to you?" "I guess I'll get the gas chamber," replied the Doberman. Great Dane: My master is a gorgeous 25 year old woman. One day I was lonely and was looking for her. But I couldn't find her. So, I went upstairs and I found her kneeling on the floor, washing out the bath tub. She had no clothes on and the sight made me lose control. I sneaked up behind her and ... "So," interrupted the other two, "what do you think will happen to you?" "I guess I'm here to get my nails cut," grinned the great Dane ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh Blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, OK, do you see that tree out there?" he asked, pointing through the mouth of the cave. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More things you will never hear a man say. * I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss. * I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist. * Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again. * I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her. * No way, you weeded the garden last week, it's my turn. * Better get ride of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore. * I understand. * This movie has too much nudity. * Damn, we're late for church. * No. I don't want to see your sister's tits. * Damn these onions, pass me a tissue. * Put some panties on, for Christ's sake! * I think we're lost, I'll pull over and ask for directions. * It's late, put your clothes back on and I'll take you home. * Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons? * What happened to my old Nancy Drew books? * Do these jeans come in lavender? * This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it. * Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder. * It's OK, I'll sleep in the wet spot. * I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker. * No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow. * I think hairy butts are really sexy. * Her tits are just too big. * Sometimes I just want to be held. * That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody. * Sure, I'd love to wear a condom. * We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse. * Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. "Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" "Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year? Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you? Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf. Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh? Golfer: "Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?" Caddy: "Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mrs. Smith. You caught me off-guard." Q. What's the difference between a brothel and a sorority? A. The brothel makes money. Q. How do you know when you have an over bite? A. When you eat pussy and it tastes like crap. Q. What did the German bisexual woman do? A. Went down on her Hans and niece.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted: "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen." the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up,like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There's an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says: " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes! The Irishman says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank!" With that the Scotsman says: "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $100 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming too, I want to see how to survive on $200 a year!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was not accustomed to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of a camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand pardons, Oh Illustrious One." stammered Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well, currently." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?" "Oh, I opened a can of carrots instead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After an automobile accident, one of the drivers finds his false teeth have been broken, and he's really mad at the other driver. "You know how long it's gonna take to get these replaced? I won't be able to have a decent meal for at least a week!" The other driver says, "Hey, I think I may have a pair that'll fit you." So he opens the trunk of his car, and brings out a box with a whole lot of false teeth in it. The other guy tries a few, and pretty soon he finds a pair that fits perfectly! "Hey, this is great! They fit as good as my own," he says, "but how come you have all these false teeth in your car? Are you a dentist or something? "No. I'm an undertaker." ~~~ Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "I need a bike! I need a bike!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office for a sperm count test. The doctor gave the man a jar, told him to take it home and return the next day with a sample. The next day, the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave the doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened. "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then with my left... still nothing. Then, I asked my wife for help. She tried her right hand... but nothing. Then her left... still nothing. She even tried with her month, both with and without her teeth... and still nothing. We even called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but...still nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on." On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked. "Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day, three friends and I went to this "Gentlemans' Club." One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt. Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute.....then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University.Sitting before him was a class full of young,wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the importance of observing details. To emphasise his point, Sir Osler announced: "This bottle contains a sample for analysis.It's often possible by tasting it to determine the disease from which the patient suffers." He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He continued speaking: "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you please do exactly as I did.Perhaps we can learn the importance of this technique and diagnose the case." The bottle made it's way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown. Dr Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying: "Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had you been observant,you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three woman and their children were outside their psychiatrist's office. The wily old doctor was able to diagnose any complaint after asking the patient a few questions. The first woman went in and the doctor asked her a few questions and proclaimed: "Madam, all you ever think is food! That is why you named you daughter Candy!" "Why," exclaimed the woman, "you're absolutely right, doctor!" Then it was the second woman's turn. She got the same treatment and the doctor pronounced: "Madam, you're obsessed with the thought of money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!" "You're right, doctor!" exclaimed the second woman and left. The third woman, who had been listening to all this, got up indignantly and said: "What rubbish! I don't believe a single word you said. Obsessions indeed!" Then waving to her little son to follow her, she said: "Let's go home now Dick."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Liza is shopping for new shoes is beginning to get on the exasperated salesman's nerves after the 14th pair she tries on, when he notices she is not wearing any panties. The little devil pops up, and the salesman goes for it. "Liza, if there's one thing I'd like to do right now, it would be to stuff that thing full of ice cream, and eat every bit of it right back out." Liza is deeply offended. "I'm going home right now, and tell my husband what you said. He'll be right back here to beat you half to death." With that, she storms out, goes home and tells Rastus, her hubby what happened. "Now," she says, "I want you to go down to that shoe store and give that rude man a thrashing." "I ain't gonna do it," Rastus replies, "And I'll give you three reasons why. One, you don't need no more damn shoes. You got more than Imelda Marcos right now Two, a grown woman like yourself ought to know better than to go runnin' around town with no panties on. And Three, any mutha fucker can eat that much ice cream, I aint about to mess with."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well, like his name, George was a big, I mean a Big, boy. Okay, he was a fucken bear of a boy...he plodded along like a bear, was ponderously slow-thinking, and yes, ponderously slow-talking, too. He worked a pretty menial job in a packing plant, yup a pickle-packing plant (plain pickles, to be sure, but I digress). Now the other pickle-packers in the place made it their practice to play practical pranks on George, and this particular day proved pretty much the same. One guy-packer yelled over during morning break, "Hey Geo, give ya five bucks to stick your prick in the pickle-slicer." Well, poor George practically turned...you guessed it... purple before he was able to respond through the peppered laughter of his fellow pickle-packers (who were quite the peckerheads, wouldn't you say?). "Hell, no, whadya think I'm stupid? I ain't puttin my prick in the pickle-slicer." "Aw, come on..it'll feel good...five bucks." Old George wanted no part of that, but the other pickle-packers prodded him, played with his principles, and nearly had him...piqued :), and by afternoon break, pretty pooped, he packed it in, produced his pick-el, and poked it into the pickle-slicer. Well, the pace doesn't pick up till late afternoon, since George needed proper time to ponder (in the park, people), how to possibly explain this predicament with his peeter. Once he reached home, he found his mother peeping around the kitchen doorway, where she was preparing supper. She watched as he plodded in, plunked into a chair, and propped his chin on his big fist. Speaking through her perpetual pucker (she was into pickles), she posed her query (what the hell did you think she did, pepper him painstakingly?)...no, twas pretty much your simply query. "Wowww...why the wong puss, Poopsie?" "Aw, the otha pickle-packers down the plant paid me five bucks to put my peepee in the pickle-slicer an' I didn't wanta but then I did wanta an' then I did it an' then I got fired." "Why, that's tewibew, honey. That was a weal wotten twick to pway on you...but what happened to the pickew-slicer?" "Aw....she got fired, too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and explained that in 'gorilla language', pulling down your eyelid means "Fuck you". This didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked down athis own pecker, and he... ...pulled down his eyelid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subject: FW: Things that make you go...... Importance: Low I think we hired some of these people.. Things That Make You Go..... DUH!!! I went to McDonald's. I looked at the menu and saw that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half-dozen nuggets. "We don't have a half-dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE !!!!!! A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she's using the ATM "thingy".

************************************************************************ I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries . . . it's a long walk."

************************************************************************ Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

************************************************************************ I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

************************************************************************ Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

************************************************************************ My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

************************************************************************ I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

************************************************************************ Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ * If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softnessof the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the difficulty of the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. * Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. * A fool and his money are soon partying. * Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade! *Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route * Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals." * Chastity is curable, if detected early. * Don't be sexist; broads hate that! * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. * Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. * Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back. * Half the people you know are below average. * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. * If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed. So the doctor she asked. "What's wrong?" "Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life. "Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man goes into a pet shop. He goes up to the counter and asks the woman behind the counter "I want a bird that can talk." The woman behind counter acknowledges him. "Certainly sir, we have this Parrot that just came in yesterday." "Does he talk then?" "Oh, yes sir. He's a very talkative bird, hasn't stopped since he got here." "Great", said the man "in that case I'll take him." So he paid the woman and took the bird home. The following week, the woman was just finishing with a customer when the man came in again. "That bird you sold me last week hasn't said a word since I got him." "Oh," said the woman "that's unusual. Did you get him a mirror?" "Well, no." "Ah, well that will be it then. Get him a mirror, he'll look at himself in it, and then maybe he'll say something. They're only five pounds" "Okay then" said the man, and purchased the mirror. The following week the man returned again. "That parrot still hasn't said anything." "Did you buy him a mirror?" "Yes." "What about a ladder?" "Err, no." "Ah well, you'll want to get him a ladder. He'll look at himself in the mirror, run up and down the ladder, and then maybe he'll say something." "How much are the ladders then?" "five pounds" "Well, if you think so." The man purchased the ladder and went home. Another week passed, and the man returned to the pet shop. "I've had that parrot 3 weeks, and I still haven't got that him to say a word." "Strange. Did you get him a mirror?" "Yes." "And a ladder?" "Yes." "What about a bell?" "A bell?" "Yes, he'll look at himself in the mirror, run up and down the ladder, ding the bell, then maybe he'll say something." "I don't know about this, I've spent a fiver on the mirror and another fiver on the ladder." "Well the bell's five pounds again, but I'm sure he'll say something this time." "Alright then" said the man begrudgingly, paid another fiver for the bell, and went home. A week later the man was back in the pet shop again. "Here, that bird you sold me is dead, and after I bought him a mirror, a ladder and a bell." "Well that's odd. They usually survive a lot longer than that. Tell me, did he say anything before he went?" "Well, yes he did. He said something just before he passed away?" "Really, what was that?" "Bird seed."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responds "Yes that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asks "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replies "Yes on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The Rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The Priest replied "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little science is a dangerous thing..... As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree Celsius. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat. For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg.F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalised. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalising process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer. Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down. Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream. We should all be thin very soon if we adhere religiously to this pizza, beer, and ice cream diet. Happy eating, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives... The voice booms out again, "Okay... NOW you're screwed."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AMAZING COINCIDENCES TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose,their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica,their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe. TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLlNTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist. TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill. TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there. TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts. TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%. TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Catholic priest and a rabbi had been friends for many years. They attended every ecumenical gathering together. It had been the source of much enjoyment for each to attempt to convert the other to his particular brand of religion. One evening while travelling to a meeting in the priest's Cadillac the conversion attempts got so intense that the priest forgot he what he was doing and the car went off the road and hit a tree. Both men were thrown out of the car. The priest pulled himself together and went looking for the rabbi hoping that he wasn't seriously hurt. When the priest found the rabbi he was leaning against a tree making the sign of the cross. Upon learning that the rabbi was just shaken up a bit the priest began to tease his old friend about finally switching to Catholicism. "I saw you make the sign of the cross!" said the priest. "Oh no!" said the rabbi. "I was just checking. Spectacles, testicles,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her. "I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox. "Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days." "Oh yeah? Why should I wait?" "Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'" "Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit." "Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch." "You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out. A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her. "Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now." "And why might that be, my furry appetiser?" "I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'" The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious." "Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out. The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy." "Yup, I just finished my thesis." "Congratulations. What's it about?" "'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'" "Are you sure? That doesn't sound right." "Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself." So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion. The moral of the story: The title of your thesis doesn't matter. The subject doesn't matter. The research doesn't matter. All that matters is who your advisor is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says,It looks like you blew a seal. No, no, the Penguin replies. "It's ice cream !"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor. While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard. Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse." The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant." Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?" The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived." "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life." The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "G'dye, myte!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for brikfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget- me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.') On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. "How," said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the Chief.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A gynaecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order. The gynaecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked. "Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a really fantastic job. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing. One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today." Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, "give him the dog."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman. She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says "But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the colour doesn't suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore. Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a haemophilic. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."

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Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny answered. "I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said. "Sorry, but they ain't here." "Little Johnny!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?" "Beats me," he replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again!"

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Adam and Eve were sitting on the beach. Adam says to Eve "How about it then girl, Fancy a bit of the other?" Eve says "I don't know what you mean Adam" "Well" says Adam, "Just drop your figleaf and I'll show you" So Eve obliges and Adam is just about to leap on her when he catches a whiff of THAT THING. "F*%$@" me" says Adam "You'll have to wash it first, the stink is something terrible" So off goes Eve, Knee deep in the briny, washing and scrubbing as hard as she can go, Meantime Adam lies back on the sand waiting for her to finish. Just then the clouds part and God's head appears in the sky. "Hello God" says Adam, "Everything all right then is it?", An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "Why do you say that?" he asks innocently. "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

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"No! it's bloody well not" says God "What the hell do you think you've got Eve doing?", "Well God" says Adam "I had to get her to wash it, honestly it was more than flesh and blood could stand". "That might be all very well for you my lad" says God, "But how do you think I'm ever going to get the stink off all those bloody fish??????"

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Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda......no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

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Business vocabulary 1. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss. You will all be measured on this at some point in your career. 2. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. This one will be particularly valuable to those of you who have projects going right now. 3. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits all over everything then leaves. Another word for consultant. 4. Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to die in the end. We've had these before (and will again). 5. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands. Nope, we do our own dirty work. 6. CLM: Short lingo for 'career limiting move'. Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Related to CLB, career limiting behaviour) 7. Adminisphere: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 8. Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss (not me!). Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." 9. Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon. 10. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man." 11. Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time it takes to realise that you've just made a BIG mistake. (See number 6.) 12. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it working again.

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One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

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Why Sex Is Better Than School ============================= 10. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet. 9. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks. 8. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger. 7. You only get disciplined during sex if you want to. 6. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink. 5. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress. 4. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex. 3. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something. 2. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition. And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than school is... 1. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless!!!

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When Blue Collar workers go out together on a week-end they talk about football. When middle management are together, they talk about tennis. Top management discusses golf. Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.

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An old miner has been up in the hills for over 20 years. Finally, after decades of back breaking work, the old guy hits pay dirt. After a few days of serious prospecting, he loads up all of his gold onto his mule and heads down the mountain into town. First, he goes to the assay office and cashes out the gold for dollars. Next stop is the saloon across the street, where he bellies up to the bar. "Bartender, give me a whiskey", he says. Barkeep pours him the drink. As he stands at the bar sipping his drink, he looks around and notices that there isn't any women in the whole place. Now, come to think of it, he ain't seen a women since he hit town. "Hey, barkeep, where's all the women folk?", he asks. "They all went back east after the gold ran out", says the barkeep. "What do y'all do for sex around here", says the miner. Barkeep replies, "Oh, for that, we got Old Joe out in the back shed". "Old Joe?" says the miner. "Hell, I don't go for that shit!", and out the door he goes. Part way down the street, he realises he's damn horny and ain't fucked a hot hole in over twenty years. So he heads back to the saloon, and asks the bartender, "Hey, if I did it with Old Joe, who else would have to know about it?" The bartender says, "Well, there would be me, you, and Old Joe, of course, and the other two guys. "What other two guys?", asks the now concerned miner. The bartender replies " The other two guys that'll be holding down Old Joe, 'cause he don't go for that shit, either!"

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on, when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door. He said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?" His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

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Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The fish sounds great, I'll have that," says Hillary. The waiter nods, "And for the vegetable, madam?" "Oh, he'll have the fish too!" Hillary replied.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. Mary... Mary.... Is that you Fred? Yes, I have come back like we agreed. What is it like? Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night,then sleep .Then I start all over again. Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven. Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office. When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest. This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

Absent With-Out Leave As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realised that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?" The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR."

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries". Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale'. A guy walks into a bar. There's a big sign which says "free beer for life to first person who can pass the test!" "What test?" the guy asks. "Well ya' see, there's a tradition that the first guy who can pass the three challenges gets free beer for life, But no one's ever done it." "First, there's a gallon of pepper tequila, and you have to drink the whole thing at once, AND you can't make a face while doing it. If that doesn't kill you, then there's an alligator out back with a sore tooth, and you need to go out there and remove it with your bare hands. Finally, there's woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm ever. You need to make things right for her." "Yeah, well thanks but no thanks. That sounds crazy. I mean, what kind of idiot would drink that much pepper tequila?..., and it gets crazier from there" But, as often happens in bars, the man drinks a few beers. And in the fullness of time, what used to sound crazy now seems like a real good idea. "Shhwears zat Pepper Tekeela?" he urps. First he grabs a hold of the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands, and knocks it back in big slurp with tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out the back door. And soon all inside hear the most frightful roaring and thumping. Then silence. The man staggers back into the bar-his shirt's all ripped up and his body has big scratches. "Now where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it. The first girl says "toast" -- t o a s t. The second boy says "eggs" -- e g g s. Little Johnny says "fuckin nothing" -- f u c k i n g n o t h i n g. The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch. After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat. The first class after lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies. Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, "He's at home on top of my mom. That's why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!" Jane was a contestant on a popular game show on the TV. Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the final big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow." "Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonising 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS YOU'VE WON THE STAR PRIZE!!" A reporter hears about an amazing pig and goes out to the farm in Arkansas to get the story. He finds the farmer near the barn and asks him if the rumours about his pig are true. "Yep," says the farmer. "I got a pig that started squealing real loud when the house was on fire. He woke us all up and so we all got to safety. Otherwise we might have been killed. That's some pig." "And didn't the pig save your boy from drowning?" asked the reporter. "Yep, he raced right into the pond and pulled my little boy out by his shirt collar. Saved his life," the farmer says, wiping a tear from his eye. "Wow, I'd like to see this pig," the reporter says. "Well, come on over here." The farmer leads the reporter over to a nearby pen. There in the mud the reporter sees a pig with a wooden leg. "Why does he have a wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "Well, you don't eat a pig like that all at once." A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?" Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away! Further down the road Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Red Riding Hood. Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the track, Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Red Riding Hood. With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit!" After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. They could not afford a larger double-wide. So, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realised how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. Rules for Bedroom Golf 1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. 2. Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the course before play can begin. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club into the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. Players are cautioned to select the proper hole for play. 8. It is normally considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course. The experienced will usually admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed bunkers. He should also ensure that the hole is well lubricated to aid in stroking. Additional lubricant may be added to the club, preferably by the course owner. 9. Players are cautioned not to mention any other courses they have played recently, or concurrently, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason. 10. Players should ensure that their match has been properly scheduled, especially on a new course being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to get irate if they find someone else playing what they considered their own private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some owners may be embarrassed to admit the course is temporarily under repair, and the player is advised to use tact in this determination. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 12. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the hole several times in one match. 13. Course owners shall be the judge of who is the best player. It is considered bad form for a player to reveal his score to other players, or that he even played the course. 14. Players who have contracted for exclusive rights to play a private course are cautioned that information reaching the owner that he has played some other course may result in the contract being cancelled and a lawsuit. At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants At age 16, success is "getting a little" At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding At age 35, success is about career and family At age 55, success is about graduations & weddings At age 65, success is "getting a little" At age 90, success is not peeing in your pants The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at tem. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Maam, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered, "the teeth". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ACTUAL QUOTES FROM D. C. MAYOR MARION BARRY: "The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington,DC

"Bitch set me up." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?" - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?" - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!" - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC